Memo to Self Re: February

Dear Mr. Lady,

Given February’s trickster status as the shortest month that feels like the longest, it is imperative to document what you should avoid during this sneaky second month of the year. For future reference and for the sake of self-preservation, here lies my list of what not to do (based on current experience gathered during February 2008).

Do not be neurotic. If possible, this advice should be stretched out to the 11 other months of the year. But, in worst case scenario, no neurotic behaviour should be permitted in February at least.

Do not go to the dollar store on your lunch break and stand in the longest and slowest-moving line behind a lady who can only deal with the line by shoving the people in front of her, as though the shoving will magically propel the line forward.

Do not fantasize about body checking fellow transit riders while commuting to and from work. Such fantasies will only end badly.

Do not develop an unrequited crush on a hot young thing a week before Valentine’s Day. All unrequited amorous feelings are strictly verboten in February.

Do not have an endoscopy, find out that you have non-ulcer dyspepsia (which isn’t a serious condition anyway), and then accidentally almost kill the plant your father gave you after said endoscopy. It’s not the cyclamen’s fault that your stomach is uncooperative.

Do not eat sushi on a Monday. In fact, you should never do this. Any chef will tell you that Monday’s fish is not fresh.

Do not buy canned mattar paneer even if you do find yourself confusedly stumbling through the aisles of the health food store just before dinnertime. It doesn’t taste or look like cat food, but it does sort of smell like it, and, for this reason, canned Indian food is completely unacceptable fare. And, while we’re on the subject of cans, do not convince yourself that a can of corn is a suitable vegetarian dinner for one. Adding a glass of white wine to the meal does not count as “jazzing it up.”

Do not come home from work, sit on the couch and listen to Neil Young while eating fudge in an attempt to remedy the February blahs. It doesn’t work.

Despite what Le Tigre says, do not fool yourself into believing that if you put on some eyeliner then things are fine and are going to get much finer.

And, finally, do not tell yourself that the winter is almost over. No matter what the groundhog says, do not listen to his forecast. Whether it’s Wiarton Willie or Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog is wrong.

Sincerely,
Your fabulous self